For the last few days I have been mulling all the things I should or could say in response to the Budget last Week (24th March or suchlike, ask Google if you must know exactly when…).  But to be honest I don’t know if I can really be arsed.  After all, I suspect you’ll find more Thatcherite coal miners down a pit in Kent than you would find folk who find both Smiler McBrown & his sidekick Dr McEyebrow worthy of praise.  So instead, I think I’ll upset all those hard working artisanal types who produce cider.  It’s only fair, they have caused me many headaches – and hopefully will cause me a few more before my days are done.  You see, they pay less tax than us brewers, and whatever way you twist the figures, that just ain’t fair.  Even with the 10% swipe at the pockets of these apple-ists, cider is still (or indeed sparkling) taxed far less than beer, even if you compare abv for abv – indeed it would appear to be taxed half as much as beer.  I had hoped to prove this with the relevant figures, but after several hours trying to decode the calculations, I had to give up and consume several pints of the stuff to calm my nerves.  So you’ll have to trust me – or better still, Google up her majesties profit removers, and make an attempt to find it out for yourself.  I would suggest attempting the north face of giveoneallyourmoney.guv (or whatever it’s branded this week) first, and see where that takes you.  Down the pub, probably.

Anyway, despite the continuing imbalance in taxation, we are not about to go into cider production – partly because we don’t have any apples, but mostly because I can still enjoy a nice cider (or perry for that matter) without getting hung-up about its temperature, recipe balance or being asked to judge the skill of the landlord responsible for cellaring it.  In others words, I can enjoy one in the peaceful bliss of the ignorant – which is after all my natural setting.

There is one other downside of beer duty – and it’s a big one.  It seems (increasingly so in fact) that your average CAMRA-ak (ie one of the very few but highly vocal minority of CAMRA members who feel they are expert in all matters beer-related) feels that the only reason that the price of a pint should rise is tax.  No allowance or acceptance of other costs ever come into it, and so for the next few weeks some of the less-well edited ‘newsletters’ that are handed out by CAMRA branches will be be-moaning the ever rising cost of a pint.  Never mind that fuel is spiralling up, energy costs are rising faster than the national debt, or that for some reason no-one has had the courtesy to exempt brewery staff and owners from the myriad rises in the overall cost of living.  No, breweries are ripping off the customer, and that is that.  They used to blame publicans, but of course the publicans are needed to allow the distribution of Pointless Views (or whatever the ‘newsletter’ may be called), so they don’t get the blame anymore.  Of course it may be an understanding that publicans too have costs of their own, and that keeping the lights on just in case a customer should appear isn’t a cost free exercise, but I doubt such insight exists.  So next time you read about how cheap beer should be (one enlightened journalist was adamant recently that beer cost just 7p per pint to produce.  Yes, 7p.  I wish!), bear in mind how much you earn, and the number of hours you work.  And then tell the landlord/brewer of your choice, and see how angry he gets.  If you are really unlucky, they’ll tell you how many hours they work, and how much they earn.  You may well end up reporting them for not paying themselves the minimum wage.  And this is one real joke I’m not joking about...