On first thoughts, the much discussed spectre of minimum alcohol pricing, as formally suggested by Sir Liam Donaldson (Chief Medical Officer, presumably of England, or at least a small village within these shores) is a very good thing.  After all, there is no need to sell anything below its cost price, even if you name is Mr Morrison Tesco-Sainsbury, Esq.  On second thoughts, it’s still a good idea, if it will stop hooligan, gits and general unworthy knobs from putting in the windows of The Shop Formerly Known As Woolworths on a Friday (or Sat, Sun, Mon Tues…) night.  On third thoughts, it’s a bit hard on the poor isn’t it?  Or is it?  We can’t afford to eat out a lot, so we don’t, and eat out a little, but make sure we go somewhere really good.  So rather than 4 cans of cheap naff lager, why not drink one bottle of something decent?

So what may be the problem then?  Well, firstly, it will only really affect the ultra cheap booze – indeed even wines would still be available for under £5 a bottle, so getting an adult mate to get your alcohol for you won’t be out of reach, and if it is, then just go and do a bit more thiefing like and stuff innit.  And of course the same will still apply when having a night out – preload on drink from the shops, then go down the bar, have one drink to avoid being thrown out, and let the pubs, bars & clubs get the blame for your inability to avoid a fight or the aforementioned session on the shop window (in every sense, it would seem).  But on the positive side, existing drinks would appear to be more competitive, so maybe those of us with product at a higher price might sell more bottles.  So there is nothing to make it a bad thing for us responsible producers, but sadly there is also little to make it have the desired effect.

But the real issue here is the most worrying from this side of the fence.  Just how would it be applied?  Obviously the simple answer is to apply at the point of public sale.  Now hands-up who doesn’t believe shops use alcohol to ‘drive footfall’, ie get folk in off the street and spend money on other things whilst they are in store?  You know, like when you’re having a gentle stroll round the retail park (as you do), and see that Tesburysonda are selling a six-pack of Super-Crotch lager for 27p, plus a second pack absolutely (and it’s always absolutely.  Why is that?) free.  So in you go, and next thing, you have to phone the (insert preferred PC term here) other half to come and collect you and the several bags of cheese biscuits, cheap early 80’s albums on CD, assorted DVDs, 500 self seal envelopes (in pastel blue), cheap patio furniture (or ski gear if it’s summer) and that nice looking combined leaf blower/MP3 player.  What, it’s only me then?  Never mind.  Anyway, I find it hard to believe these clever supermarket types won’t find a way to carry on doing what they always have done – that is why there are so successful after all.  Anyway, like I said, that is the simple answer.  But when did you last see simple legislation from a UK Government?  So, maybe it will be applied as an additional tax (after all, someone will make money out of minimum pricing, and we all know the only people allowed to make money are the government and the banks).  And that of course will perhaps be applied carte blanche, thus affecting the price of all alcohol.  Except of course in supermarkets.  Or maybe there will be a massively complicated set of calculations to work out what tax is paid according to where it is sold.  In much the same vein no doubt as the existing duty system that now requires all volumes calculated to 4 decimal places (yes, 4.  Count them.  We have to).  And then the supermarkets will discover there is no law forcing them to add VAT, or not offer free bread & tampons with every six pack of lager.

No, it could be frightenly predictable.  An unworkable solution that won’t fix the problem (it is society that is broke at the end of the day), cause major paperwork wherever it goes, and still be so full of loopholes that retailers will be able to drive a bus through.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the principal, for many reasons.  I just don’t trust the powers that be to come up with a workable, industry/consumer friendly and effective plan.  Don’t forget it’ll be from a government that says it doesn’t like the idea, which means it will be law quicker than you can say “Stop Snooping My Phone Records”.  And remember, the recent beer duty hikes were implemented to stop binge & under-age drinking by forcing the cost of alcohol higher, thereby hurting the morally responsible majority – something Gordon Brown now says he doesn’t want to do.  You really, really couldn’t make it up*… 

*Actually you could.  ‘Making Things Up As You Go Along’ is a training course en-route to promotion to the higher ranks of the Civil Service (Statistics Division).