Once again our blog postings have become rarer than a necessary Civil Servant, and indeed there have been very few Twitterings or indeed much on Faceache beyond shameless corporate plugs.  Indeed as I write this I am struggling to find an excuse – or at least someone to blame, then of course frivolously sue for millions.  Which means it must be my fault, and so I am left no choice but to place the blame for our tardiness squarely at the door of the colour known only as ‘Orange’.   A colour which has some heavy form – you only have to look back at the 70’s to see what I mean, and indeed even after all these years there is still an injunction out against it being seen in public with it’s former partner in crime, Brown.  It is after all the Official Colour of the ASBO, and anyone wearing orange clothing can of course be done for GBH (Grievously Bad Haberdashery).  Mid you, orange has had a hard life – it didn’t even exist until the discovery of the fruit of the same name in the 1500s.  Well I say discovery, this is of course discovery in the sense of ‘previously unknown to a white man’.

Anyway, despite the lack of posting, I have written several entries to the blog, but never got round to finishing them (yes, I do try to polish them up…) before they seemed to become somewhat irrelevant.  After all, if you think my movements over Easter are boring, try reading about them in July…  Don’t worry about about missing anything – firstly you really, really haven’t, and secondly being environmentally aware I will recycle anything humorous content for future use as soon as I have a spare second (or indeed less).  Some entries are still relevant, so here is a quick summary of what you have had a narrow escape from:

Asda have announced they will stop selling beer cheap, and will now not sell it for less than the value of the beer duty plus VAT.  Wow.  That will give the cheap canned lager addicts something to worry about won’t it (You’ll have to Google for the original story yourself, this isn’t Wikipedia, but it is interactive…).  You don’t need to be that smart to work out that this means the beer is still be sold less than cost – for example to get the beer to the store, it has to be manufactured by a skilled team of white coatists, several button pushers and of course Darren on the forklift.  Then you’ll need Trev the lorry driver to deliver it, and good old Darren again at the store to unload it.  Plus of course Farmer Hoo Flung-Dung of China to grow the barley (although of course he is happy to earn nothing because that is all he has ever had).  So you see, someone is still supplying alcohol below cost price to entice folks, and you can bet that Her Majesties Department Of Creating Paperwork & Preventing Profit aren’t waiving a penny of their share, and I’m sure Trev and the Darrens aren’t keen to go short, so it’s down to the peasant Farmers of the world and Asda to swallow the losses.  And the Health Stasi won’t worry, because Asda are bigger than they are, so they’ll keep picking on the pub trade, spend millions in hand wringing seminars, and keeping missing the basic point that if folk are happy with their lives, they won’t need to keep filling it with cheap alcohol or drugs or indeed the need to fly half way round the world to spend two weeks eating English food and drinking English beer whilst getting skin cancer.   Sorry, I may have suggested cheap lager contained barley.  This is of course quite possibly wrong.  Well mostly wrong, indeed the small amount of barley used may even be 100% British…

 

We are currently in the throes of a project about which I cannot say too much, but we have come to refer as ‘Project We Don’t Have Enough To Do Already And Also Enjoy Banging Our Heads Against Various Walls Created By Red Tape And Incompentant Fools’ (or ‘GRRRAAGGHHH Don’t Ask’ for short).  Suffice it say, if/when it comes together it will be good for us, and we’d like to think very good for others.  But for now, we are learning several valuable things:

1.  It is acceptable for a third party to bollocks up your pension to the point you it money when you retire because they are trustworthy.  You are however not trustworthy enough to look after your own pension, unless of course you pay lots of extra tax.

2.  Some professions work so slowly it is wonder they don’t still operate out of caves, or at least fail to keep up with the rotation of the planet.  Admittedly charging by the hour may of course explain this.

3.  There isn’t a Land Rover on the aforementioned planet that doesn’t rust.

For now you’ll just have to believe me that the above three things are in some way related…

I have been made to promise that I’ll will post more often in the future (yes, I have recycled that bit as well…), and indeed I may have attempt tomorrow – Tues 3rd August – whilst at the trade session of the Great British Beer Festival.  It may happen though via TwitFace or such like, so apologies now to those who have real friends and so aren’t signed up to those services.  For those that are, expect such erudite and worth comments such as ‘Thsgfdywdf ghafdf’, ‘Ghtshs Mkkzhye’ and the like.  I would like to say the the drink will be to blame, but in truth I am really crap at texting…

I like to think I am tolerant, but sometimes, I get pushed over the edge… Just the other week, we were contacted by the compiler of an online database of all things friendly to Vegans and other lesser vegetarianists....   more »

If there is one thing you can say about the weather in these here isles, it would be 'there is ...   more »

For the last few days I have been mulling all the things I should or could say in response to the Budget last Week (24th March or suchlike, ask Google if you must know exactly when…).  But to be honest I don’t know if I can really be arsed.  After all, I suspect you’ll find more Thatcherite coal miners down a pit in Kent than you would find folk who find both Smiler McBrown & his sidekick Dr McEyebrow worthy of praise.  So instead, I think I’ll upset all those hard working artisanal types who produce cider.  It’s only fair, they have caused me many headaches – and hopefully will cause me a few more before my days are done.  You see, they pay less tax than us brewers, and whatever way you twist the figures, that just ain’t fair.  Even with the 10% swipe at the pockets of these apple-ists, cider is still (or indeed sparkling) taxed far less than beer, even if you compare abv for abv – indeed it would appear to be taxed half as much as beer.  I had hoped to prove this with the relevant figures, but after several hours trying to decode the calculations, I had to give up and consume several pints of the stuff to calm my nerves.  So you’ll have to trust me – or better still, Google up her majesties profit removers, and make an attempt to find it out for yourself.  I would suggest attempting the north face of giveoneallyourmoney.guv (or whatever it’s branded this week) first, and see where that takes you.  Down the pub, probably.

Anyway, despite the continuing imbalance in taxation, we are not about to go into cider production – partly because we don’t have any apples, but mostly because I can still enjoy a nice cider (or perry for that matter) without getting hung-up about its temperature, recipe balance or being asked to judge the skill of the landlord responsible for cellaring it.  In others words, I can enjoy one in the peaceful bliss of the ignorant – which is after all my natural setting.

There is one other downside of beer duty – and it’s a big one.  It seems (increasingly so in fact) that your average CAMRA-ak (ie one of the very few but highly vocal minority of CAMRA members who feel they are expert in all matters beer-related) feels that the only reason that the price of a pint should rise is tax.  No allowance or acceptance of other costs ever come into it, and so for the next few weeks some of the less-well edited ‘newsletters’ that are handed out by CAMRA branches will be be-moaning the ever rising cost of a pint.  Never mind that fuel is spiralling up, energy costs are rising faster than the national debt, or that for some reason no-one has had the courtesy to exempt brewery staff and owners from the myriad rises in the overall cost of living.  No, breweries are ripping off the customer, and that is that.  They used to blame publicans, but of course the publicans are needed to allow the distribution of Pointless Views (or whatever the ‘newsletter’ may be called), so they don’t get the blame anymore.  Of course it may be an understanding that publicans too have costs of their own, and that keeping the lights on just in case a customer should appear isn’t a cost free exercise, but I doubt such insight exists.  So next time you read about how cheap beer should be (one enlightened journalist was adamant recently that beer cost just 7p per pint to produce.  Yes, 7p.  I wish!), bear in mind how much you earn, and the number of hours you work.  And then tell the landlord/brewer of your choice, and see how angry he gets.  If you are really unlucky, they’ll tell you how many hours they work, and how much they earn.  You may well end up reporting them for not paying themselves the minimum wage.  And this is one real joke I’m not joking about...

Well folks, after several weeks of 2010 we have at least come up with a them for this year’s main range of special brews.  And, with all the originality of of idea everyone else has embraced – and indeed an idea we have sort have dabbled with in a random way in the past, we have gone for Single Hop beers.

The basic concept is very simple – we will use the same basic recipe of Pale Ale malt, a dash of wheat, and a shot of Caramalt (for sweetness and a richer golden colour).  Then we will add a different hop variety each time, using the same variety for both bittering and aroma.  The volume of hop will be the same – so some brews will have a stronger aroma/hop flavour than others, to reflect the characteristics of the variety used.  In terms of bittering, we will use the same basic calculation on each brew to keep the bitterness about level across the range, but even so, there will be variations that reflect the hop used.  Each hop variety has a role in the beer – be it aroma or bittering or flavour, so some beers will be full of aroma, others will have a distinct flavour to the bitterness.  Each beer will be 4.0%, with an OG of 1040.

The first brew was ‘Bobek’, a Slovenian variety suited to lagers, but still full of citrus/lemon flavours.  Second will be ‘Nelson Sauvin’, a hop named for it’s amazing likeness flavour wise to the Sauvignon grape – something that should present itself quite noticeably on the finished beer.  Indeed, if ever there was voted a hop to trump all hops, I suspect Nelson Sauvin would be the winner.  Later beers will involve varieties such as Chinook, Cascade, Centennial, Willamette (all USA), Goldings, Fuggle, Beata, Bramling Cross (all English), and a number of European hops.  There may even be a beer or two that will have a name that is likely to be unpronounceable whilst either sober or without the aid of a safety net.

There was a grand idea to feature an image of the relevant hop on each pump clip, but that is looking unlikely, but only because of a seeming lack of suitable images that we can confirm as being correct – or because most such images are actually great for plant lovers, but frankly boring on a pump clip.  After all, one hop cone looks just like any other in most cases, and an image of one cone on a sheet of paper against a ruler (the standard it seems…) is nothing compared to a nice shot of a hop yard overlooked by distant mountains.  Or in the case of some Kentish hops, Maidstone.

So folks, start your taste buds!

Despite the recent further unrequested batch of snow (that’s the cold frozen water sort by the way, in case you came here after Googling for Amy Winehouse or England Footballers), the first of this year’s Lapwings arrived late on Thursday (the 25th Feb 2010, for those reading on the BBC iPlayer).  There are still here, albeit in greater numbers some 2 days later, so, I think I can officially announce that Spring may possibly have Sprung – subject to legal advice, a full safety audit, and a broader public debate with all key stakeholders partners allied to my seasonal prediction remit.

Indeed we are now in a situation whereby any nocturnal disturbance causes a squadron of Lapwings to scramble into flight, along with much vocal activity on their part.  This in turn has disturbed the motley collection of owls we have built up over the winter (must have been a healthy crop of mice in the fields), which then manage to wake all sorts of creatures normal silent at night.  Indeed I am certain my amateur ears have noted the warning calls of several bird species as a result, including (and I have listened to recordings on the interweb to confirm this) three or more Albatrosses, the rare Squirrel Herding Eagle, two Waldo’s Perturbed Finches, one (male) Greater Striped Turnip Baboon, and almost certainly a Walrus – which obviously is on migration.

All this bodes well for the coming year, and I will of course report updates at extremely random intervals, often several weeks later than intended.

In the meantime, we have a raft of new beers for folk to try (see what I did there?  Seamless, wasn’t it.) , such as Bobek – a 4.0% golden beer brewed with Bobek hops.  Bobek is the new name for Styrian Goldings, which are in fact a type of Fuggle.  Whilst there is nothing wrong with Styrian Goldings as a name, it seems that since the political breakup of the area of East Europe once known a Yugoslavia etc, Styrian has become somewhat out of favour, so the hop formerly known as Styrian Goldings is now available under several names depending on the location it is grown in (the USA growers did the same thing for a while, so it’s not a new thing…), which may or may not include the likes of Bobek or Celeia.  On the other hand, this may all be pure flannel, as there is some suggestion they may all be just a tad different.  Agreement it seems, it hard to come by…

All this neatly leads on to another new beer, ‘Pure Flannel’ (did you spot the lead in…?) which is a 4.7% bitter (premium it seems is the word if you follow the laws of beer marketing), and is the first of a range of election themed beers (now the name makes sense, eh?) replete with suitable pump clips.  Whilst of course our tongue is firmly in our cheek, there is a serious message to all this – we live in a democracy, and as such election times matter.  Mostly though to those poor hapless muppets who will inevitably lose their jobs in public office.  And we should spare a thought for the ensuing hardships they will suffer – albeit only for a few hours as they await a place on the board of whatever plc/bank/oil company they have been ‘sympathetic’ to over their time in office buying duck houses or employing a third secretary for their cleaners.

Oh, and don’t forget the budget, coming soon to a payslip near you.  Will it be set for vote winning or debt clearance, any bets?

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